Some scattered thoughts on the season of lent...

I've never felt more aware of Christ's passion than this week, completing my first true lent in the Orthodox church. (I've celebrated lent before, but not with the history and tradition and community along with it). Last Sunday I realized that I am really tired. Besides having to eat foods that I don't like very much, the spiritual warfare has been intense, and I'm just so very tired. Last week I felt like I was walking through mud. I realized that if I was this tired after fasting from 40 days and experiencing spiritual attacks because of my decisions, I can't imagine how tired our Lord must have been after 33 years of feeling and experiencing much worse. And to know that nothing He experienced thus far would match what Holy Week would be for Him. That's why I feel like I'm so much more aware of Christ's passion. I'm tired and beaten...He most definitely was (and much worse than I am). And He continued to fight His battle, no matter how tough it became...even to the point of death.

The interesting thing I realized was that even though this is a tough week and we're still fasting, part of me has already finished. I feel like we're in the home stretch, because I'm baking the foods that we'll be eating at our Pascha feast and I'm planning what will be in our Pashca basket. I don't have to die at the end of this week...I get to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. So in many ways, I'm aware of Christ's passion, but in so many ways in my very typical human way, I have to keep reminding myself that though Lent is technically over, we've been preparing ourselves for this week and the party is not here yet. I guess that reveals how I would love to live my life. In Eternity without having to go through the really hard stuff. (Oh how weak and lazy I am). But I need the reminder that we are not in Eternity yet, and we still have work and death to go through (if not a physical death, at least a daily dying to the wild passions in my life). I know this sounds so morbid, but seeing as how this is Holy Thursday, it seems appropriate that my thoughts would turn to death and completing the fight. I can't celebrate Easter without going through the Passion.


Lord Have Mercy.